My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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