my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
