My friends, they love my intelligence
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize