theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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