Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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