what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
