How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
