Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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