now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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