Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
