I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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