suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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