i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
