I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
