In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
