Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
