I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Green mimosas i think yes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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