how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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