can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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