Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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