i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
