I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My bed smells like the plague
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
