ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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