I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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