I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
