Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
