There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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