Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
