my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize