I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
