What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
