Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize