I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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