i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
