Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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