I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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