You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
