You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
