In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
