I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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