I molested 6 butterflies tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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