Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
