LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
