Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
