I just threw up on my dentist
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
