Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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