Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
