woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
