Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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