she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize