Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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