Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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