He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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