my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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