I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
