you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
