I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
