In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
