WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
