The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
