I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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