Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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