So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
