Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
