dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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