i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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